pathetic whiner?

yeah, the madness of giving without balance is sad enough, but to become a perpetually pathetic whiner?... just look here and you will see (relativity), the brilliant charismatic irresistibly positive optimist and charming prince i once was has deteriorated (or de-evolved) into a statue of my former self, as statue frozen in a quite unattractive, disheveled, sorrowful position with poor posture... can nothing be done to ameliorate the situation?...

see blog title...

self-destruction, ad infinitum

the madness of giving until there's no more to give, the impossible dream is a sad way to live... when the drowning person is addicted to the feeling of drowning, the rescuer is the enemy... when someone feels guilt for the addiction, the helper is the enemy.... the consumer is addicted to consuming, to buying, to spending way beyond their means... for them, the giver is the best friend and the enemy... facing the addiction lowers self-esteem so there is no appreciation for the giver, only avoidance and lashing out to push the giver away... so how to help the addicted consumer is the answer the giver seeks and without that answer, the giver is destined to fail...

and who cares?...

why care?

so the first week of december has me remembering (see the first fifty or so december 2012 entries in (e)thereal for the pathos and so on) my heart and realizing years of altruism have felt wonderful, but have left me financially drained and emotionally lonely... this may be the most chellenging year of this life... or second... or... there's only one who ever really gave back and i took too much from her and she doesn't respond anymore... everybody else just took all i had... and lately the physical world has me more challenged than ever with the foot injury earlier this year and with another injury now, both coinciding with the first loss of incomes that was not my choice or expected or prepared for in this life... that's besides the tinnitus and neck pains and aging and dying and loneliness and... i really am tired of whining and complaining... and it is not just staying in words like it used to, it's spilling over into daily life... no wonder i am alone... obviously i am not taking care of myself, giving away too much time, energy, and material... letting myself die alone... and who cares?...

why?

i do

but feeling like nobody else does lately... and while that is not true, it feels like it is most of the time because most of the time i am alone and the silence does not feel like caring... i write entries in private blogs and public blogs and most of the time there is no response and even though i know a couple of people care out there are read mostly silently, the silence still feels empty... and in life offline, i work with people who care but still, not really personally... and i have friends who care, but i don't see them often and the aloneness and silence, again, empty... and i live with someone who cares a lot and still, the empty spaces are far more than the sharing here and all in all, the empty bed and silence feels like no one cares... it's just a feeling, but all the same, it is how it feels...

so who cares?... well, i do...

sometimes a challenge

sometimes it is more than a question, sometimes, it is a more than lament, sometimes, it is a challenge...

i don't expect anyone to understand... but it would be nice if someone did...

sometimes

sometimes it feels personal and then, sometimes it feels ridiculous and sometimes it feels like a question and sometimes it feels bigger than me ... whatever it feels like, even when it does not feel good, the good news is it feels like something... the bad news is when it not longer feels like anything...

and when i forget

when i feel the poor me pity party who cares feeling coming on like a wet blanket not matter how logical and rational it seems in my mind and no matter how visceral and tangible the feeling feels and no matter how deep the pathetic sadness and loneliness gets, i must remember this and find my way out of the rabbit hole and back into the bigger picture, the altruistic universal eternal infinite full scope of the question this blog asks...

but still, sometimes, life feels so very lonely...

all i can so is sigh...

undefining

i don't know what will distinguish this blog from the other (four?) daily blogs i am writing at the moment... and today i am not feeling like defining much so i am pulling from a long what happened this week catch-up comment-letter i wrote to a friend and we shall see how editing in each of the daily blogs changes the original and perhaps inadvertently defines each blog... for what it's worth, for whomever cares (i do, just not so much today lol lam lab :)

laughing at blogging?... that's new... anyway, in retrospect, i have obviously been subconsciously preparing for the new schedule starting on monday... rebelling against the 9-5 has kept me up late most nights... a lot of cleaning and household stuff and paperwork type stuff and phone calls that i won't have time for starting next week... so many boxes could have been emptied during this time off but were not... what else is new...

the (e)thereal blog continues to dominate this little blog world... while i think i wrote in one other (the foot blog) the past couple of weeks, the (e)thereal blog has become a very consistent habit that keeps me as content and happy and stable and euphoric as i can be no matter what... then there's facebook... i seem to be increasing the time i spend there lately and i created my first "pages" there, three of them... i must have had good reasons to start public pages out there in the fb world... maybe i am reaching out again... maybe the lonelies are budging aside the solitary contentment... or maybe i just want to make some sort of broader mark out in fb land... anyway, i spent several nights online... fascinated enough to go check them out?... maybe i'll add links later - or you could find them in the (e)thereal...

i ran a 5k at home yesterday, that is, not an organized on, just around the community by myself... with the foot wrap and unwrap and slower time cuz of foot and lower stamina and shower and hydrate that was more than 2 hours... yes, i have slowed a lot... but getting back out there is a good thing and the foot held up pretty good...

softball in a few hours and the weekend begins... wishing for more time... hoping you are smiling more than frowning... sending love :)

walls are frustrating

and while it is still frustrating for me, and while it might interest the bored and the caring, it is pointless to pretend anyone truly understands the self-sacrifice i live in relative and real obscurity... few even know the half of it...

i give everything i can to help others... it is not purely altruistic, it is in fact quite selfish as well for it feels so good, almost like a drug rushing through this body and quite probably, it is... the feeling from the act of giving is enhanced when it is appreciated, but even when anonymous, the feeling is in direct proportion to the amount i give and the sacrifice that giving presents to me in my real world...

i have been lucky to have been born in this usa where opportunity to earn money (which equates into anything that could be given) is as available as anywhere in the world and much more available than in most of the world so i have always found ways to earn more to give, so i have been able to give a lot in this life... a harsh reality presents itself with each passing year as the body ages and opportunities to earn more dwindle... i must consider my survival for death could possible somewhat hinder my ability to give and therein feel the euphoria of giving... life insurance could extend the giving, though i might not know or feel it... in any case, remaining alive more rationally insures both by ability to give and my ability to experience the feeling of giving so maintaining means of survival is wise...

what that leads me to is that there comes a time when i must accept limitations as i created in this life in this physical world where the limitations are very real and quite close to the ground in metaphor and physical reality... and as i was realizing when relating this to the bored and the caring, as i look back, i realize that this is the life i chose to create as a teenager and i have quite deliberately acted to continue this journey much against the advise of friends, family, and supposedly wise people... it was the experience of basic survival at the ground level, everyman level, the level of living paycheck to paycheck that i sought... while i only lived paycheck to paycheck for a week or two just after choosing the experience of homelessness (ah, the who cares moment, aye?) and i learned it was not an experience i wanted to continue cuz there is way too much restriction and calculating and stress and also way too little to give, so i stopped, ultimately, cuz i don't like counting pennies and i do love giving (i may have mentioned that if you recall)...

so i am reaching (building?) another wall and walls are quite frustrating for me... which reminds me of music i left behind along the way and wonder if those i left it with appreciate the knowledge contained within the lyrics... i may never know, but there is always hope... someone i love, another member of my adopted family (i adopt family cuz i never knew my biological family, which is another wc moment, but who cares, aye?... ah, my love of word play never ceases to distract and amuse me... you really ought to try it more often and if you enjoy it even half as much as i do, play with me?... giggling is not optional)...

whatever, it is what it is and i must accept what it is cuz i am what i am and while that is most likely not all that i am, being a living and growing and every changing entity and not a cartoon character (omg, confession?... what will the peanut gallery say?... anonanonanon is laughing, so all is well)... just do it, ya know, just...

nobody

yeah, ok, face it... the fact is that caring is relative... there is caring in the heart, sincere and meaningful, but not active in the daily life where the real world happens... that kind of caring is beautiful poetry, words, in fact, a noun... the caring that really makes a difference, caring that changes a life (or the world) is a verb... active caring... doing something to effect change on a global basis, it is a dangerous game of activism, politics, business, and often making enemies (because so many do not want change for so many reasons)... on that level we can see some people do care, but not enough...

the title of this blog relates to individual caring, specifially about me... and i must accept that nobody actively cares about me these days... nobody has the time (that sounds much better than nobody cares, right?)... only a few people are close enough to even begin to know me... that's just the way it is... so i go it alone, if that's how it must be (saved by the music, when i let the music save me, that is)... at least i do not live alone, yay for a best friend roommate even if she doesn't have time most of the time... someday my princess will...

sorting

sometimes i wonder if there is a point to all the sorting and listing (but most especially the sorting at the moment) i do and if it is worth the time it takes (though at the moment i have the time to do it, this time of extravagant leisure will not last forever (sigh and giggle and all)... and what prompts this bit of pondering is the thought that even with all the time in the world, i wonder if all that sorting is even accurately reflecting any real form that represents me, like does the sorting of writings in this blog or that really paint some clearer picture of the purpose of the written gardens and lend greater insight into who i am and if it does, what it i put something in the wrong place (if there is a wrong place, that is, inaccurately representing what i am attempting to express)... if that was a question, feel free to answer (and now i wonder if my irreverence grin show through and if it does, does it enhance or distract from the point which is something i wonder rather often as i feel my irreverence grin rather often and do not reflect it with a smiley because the smiley does not accurately express the irreverence, among other deeper meanings we shall leave for elsetime)... and i might say whatever (which maybe should have been sorted here and that thought may have been the spark that became this entry) or even here or the other place (of the four newish ones) of maybe everything should just be written in one place and sorted some other time by a sorting expert (editor in chief) who is the professional one i hope to adore someday, but for now, i just do what i do and wonder as i wonder...

and so

is this song is about me...


is it sad that nobody knows me well enough to know for sure?

yeah, so anyway

after offering this to a close friend, i figured i would offer it to the world (or at least the small part of the world that stops into my small portion of the internet)...

need a distraction or new project?... there's my babbling to edit and sell... that's right, i am offering you the opportunity to edit my words and put them into a more commercial format... if you think you can do it, you would make some money in the process... your success would provide ego food, helping me would help your heart, and money would provide more freedom and options...

if you are interested, let me know and i will send you links to my babblings that you have not already found yourself... i write a few thousand words a day, at least... so pick up on my energy if you can, and hopefully will start a lucrative collaboration with me... if you don't want to, then do something good for yourself today...

make it a great afternoon and evening :)

all for love

ok, seriously (oh really?), did you ever see the episode of house where the super genius chooses to drug himself stupid for the illusion of love?...

that never worked for me, seriously, and i tried just about every drug available in my formative years (well that explains a lot, doesn't it?)... maybe i just never took enough... is that being selfish?... not taking enough or taking drugs?... is this getting heavy?... is it my brother?... i mean, is it, my brother?...

as serious as serious gets, all i ever wanted was somebody to love who would love me as much as love can be and i'll just keep hoping and living for somebody to love and until she gets here i'll keep loving me cuz why should she love me if i don't, after all, i always want to be on the highest peak when i fall...

it matters to someone as much as it matters to me... i'll go on believing that for all eternity...

la la la...

like this

Little Sun from Studio Olafur Eliasson on Vimeo.

time may tell

so after all that (and yang too, cuz there is always balance even when it is not found), what i was thinking long ago (moments are eternities) when the idea for this blog came to mind was not just the infantile who cares cry of self-pity and/or apathy (balance even there) but the serious question that will be answered, for humanity, at least, only if humanity survives it's self-destructive tendencies... so yeah, who cares about me, about what i write, about how i feel or what i do... but more, who cares about whether human species survives...

let's start with me for now, ok? lol lam blah blah narf! :}

no really, who cares?

really?

in looking for a blog address for this new blog, as usual, the obvious addresses were taken by people who do not use them... who cares?... well, rich obviously does not since on friday, november 24, 2000 rich apparently took the blog address and did almost nothing with it (is that irony or selfishness or lack of creativity?) except make one statement about kevin and the answer to the why might have been found in the other two blogs created by this rich person (is there an allusion to the waste of blog address and space in the irony of the alternative meaning of the name of the blog creator?... perhaps), but it isn't... apparently rich missed the point of blogging and i move on to try another blog address...

and apparently mer apparently gave up on it (the second blog address i chose for this blog) way back in 2001 (though started dec 24th {holiday lonelies?} with a similar flair that many bloggers bring to their first blog, like why? and what's the point? and ultimately oh, why not...)... and go figure, i found mer amusing and wanting to know her as i read, not just cuz of this bit she wrote in a parenthetic aside about a group blog she joined called "d-blog" that went like this (now i've got myself singing: over d-blog and through d login to html we go. my hands know the way to type what i say, but the server is really slow...oh!...) , but that sense of humor and word play helped... there is something initially intellectually attractive in her rambles, even where i may disagree with her opinions (or when her words point to my hoping that i have overcome some similar foibles, mostly)... there is a familiarity... maybe it's a candor... and she loves metacognition... and she lead me to the velmas and sacred pie, which i may find time to explore at another time... for the moment, unfortunately, she refers to other blogs on a server apparently no longer in business (another internet loss of potential contact, alas) so connecting may be only in fantasy (as 99.9999% of these online excursions are, after all)... and so i find myself pondering why she ended what appeared to be the budding of a blog i'd have enjoyed and though it might be my Douglas Adams sense of humor that brings me to conclude that the blogger might not have wasted the name, but actually was prevented from continuing the blog as i consider that perhaps he or she wrote this and then suddenly died or worse, was murdered...

if you are laughing (whomever you are), yay you... in closing on this particular tangent (after all, i am looking for a blog address to use for a new blog, remember?), i did appreciate this thought, obvious as it is, for so few really think it out loud very much... "...it's awfully speciocentric for humans to assume that anything that is complex or abstract beyond the capability of understanding of a human mind is therefore impossible..." ~mer

and someone left this one back in 2003 leaving little to follow-up on, although this bit: i have a habit of thinking that i can buy security by overspending on people who im pretty sure already like me. its a costly habit. reminds me not to return to that habit (once i stop) and this entry: I am a gregarious misanthrope, but that is my cross to bear. im going to go make sugar cookies. does leave a little hope for the fantasy that we might have been friends...

still, all three are a sad waste of a perfectly good blog address i might have wanted... so i continued searching for the one that will be available and still fit the blog... and then, suddenly, without the usual brain strain of coming up with a dozen already taken blog addresses, i found one that fit about perfectly and here we are...

who cares, aye?