walls are frustrating

and while it is still frustrating for me, and while it might interest the bored and the caring, it is pointless to pretend anyone truly understands the self-sacrifice i live in relative and real obscurity... few even know the half of it...

i give everything i can to help others... it is not purely altruistic, it is in fact quite selfish as well for it feels so good, almost like a drug rushing through this body and quite probably, it is... the feeling from the act of giving is enhanced when it is appreciated, but even when anonymous, the feeling is in direct proportion to the amount i give and the sacrifice that giving presents to me in my real world...

i have been lucky to have been born in this usa where opportunity to earn money (which equates into anything that could be given) is as available as anywhere in the world and much more available than in most of the world so i have always found ways to earn more to give, so i have been able to give a lot in this life... a harsh reality presents itself with each passing year as the body ages and opportunities to earn more dwindle... i must consider my survival for death could possible somewhat hinder my ability to give and therein feel the euphoria of giving... life insurance could extend the giving, though i might not know or feel it... in any case, remaining alive more rationally insures both by ability to give and my ability to experience the feeling of giving so maintaining means of survival is wise...

what that leads me to is that there comes a time when i must accept limitations as i created in this life in this physical world where the limitations are very real and quite close to the ground in metaphor and physical reality... and as i was realizing when relating this to the bored and the caring, as i look back, i realize that this is the life i chose to create as a teenager and i have quite deliberately acted to continue this journey much against the advise of friends, family, and supposedly wise people... it was the experience of basic survival at the ground level, everyman level, the level of living paycheck to paycheck that i sought... while i only lived paycheck to paycheck for a week or two just after choosing the experience of homelessness (ah, the who cares moment, aye?) and i learned it was not an experience i wanted to continue cuz there is way too much restriction and calculating and stress and also way too little to give, so i stopped, ultimately, cuz i don't like counting pennies and i do love giving (i may have mentioned that if you recall)...

so i am reaching (building?) another wall and walls are quite frustrating for me... which reminds me of music i left behind along the way and wonder if those i left it with appreciate the knowledge contained within the lyrics... i may never know, but there is always hope... someone i love, another member of my adopted family (i adopt family cuz i never knew my biological family, which is another wc moment, but who cares, aye?... ah, my love of word play never ceases to distract and amuse me... you really ought to try it more often and if you enjoy it even half as much as i do, play with me?... giggling is not optional)...

whatever, it is what it is and i must accept what it is cuz i am what i am and while that is most likely not all that i am, being a living and growing and every changing entity and not a cartoon character (omg, confession?... what will the peanut gallery say?... anonanonanon is laughing, so all is well)... just do it, ya know, just...