why care?

so the first week of december has me remembering (see the first fifty or so december 2012 entries in (e)thereal for the pathos and so on) my heart and realizing years of altruism have felt wonderful, but have left me financially drained and emotionally lonely... this may be the most chellenging year of this life... or second... or... there's only one who ever really gave back and i took too much from her and she doesn't respond anymore... everybody else just took all i had... and lately the physical world has me more challenged than ever with the foot injury earlier this year and with another injury now, both coinciding with the first loss of incomes that was not my choice or expected or prepared for in this life... that's besides the tinnitus and neck pains and aging and dying and loneliness and... i really am tired of whining and complaining... and it is not just staying in words like it used to, it's spilling over into daily life... no wonder i am alone... obviously i am not taking care of myself, giving away too much time, energy, and material... letting myself die alone... and who cares?...

why?